I figured I’d free up your time a bit by preparing your remarks for this off season press conferences. You know, in the hopes of allowing you to spend your time doing work that improves the club instead of uncovering the secrets of the CBA and designing robo Looper. I’ll even let you use it without citing me, I’m just that nice of a guy. It’s simple, just replace the bold italic text with real names/values!
First up – A big signing in MLB. Someone electric that would do something for the Brewers.
First off, I’d like to thank you guys for coming today, we’ve had a flurry of activity over the past 10 days. Unfortunately we were unable to sign playersname-or-nickname to a contract. We’ve been in contact with playersagent for madeuplenghtoftime and felt we had real a real dialog and were close to landing playersname-or-nickname. Mark has said he is willing to green light “special” money for a high impact players like playersname-or-nickname, but we were unable to come to an agreement with playersname-or-nickname and we were outbid by team for actualretailprice. We have a payroll ceiling of actualnumber and were unable to make the actualretailprice salary demands of playersname-or-nickname. playersname-or-nickname said he would have loved to play for Milwaukee, due to all the young talent and being so close to a championship team. We knew this was a possibility and have many other irons in the fire, and hope to make an exciting announcement soon.
The key here Doug, is to ignore any question about payroll being tied up on players like Suppan, Hall and other club option buy outs that put pressure on your pay roll. And at all times try to use a nickname and use bogus excuses. Lets try with Suppan. “Soup is a real gamer and has proven he’s a post season pitcher. He takes the ball every 5 days, and that’s important”. Very good, you used both a nickname and an arbitrary excuse that means nothing to avoid the admission of the salary problems being driven by you. Remember the 2004 elections and how the RNC mentioned 911 about every 5 sentences, do that, but replace 911 with “Large Market / Small Market team divide”. If you say something 10,000 times it becomes true. So blame our problems on the fact our payroll is around 90million and never ever ever ever admit that you wasted 22m+ on players who do not do squat.
Next up, lets try your new signing.
Thank you all for coming today, it’s a very exciting day for the Brewers organization. We are VERY (emphasis, maybe add an Canadian ‘eh’ here) to announce the signing of notsogreatplayersname-or-nickname for 1-3-years-to-long with the Brewers. playersname-or-nickname offers abstract-thing to the club and we feel brings with him the missingpiece that we’ve been missing to our club. Playersname-or-nickname has meaningless-thing-to-justify-signing and we feel he will provide this much needed thing to the club. Due to the salary pressures of a small market club, we will be evaluating internal options to fill actualneed and we feel that we have internal options to place in here.
Feel Free to use these for all your 2009 off season moves. Perhaps I’ll prepare remarks for Mark, when he finally realizes the negative impact on the club you have.
PS – Remind me again why Patterson is still on the 40 man? I know it means nothing really during the off season, but you are just making yourself look stupid to everyone else who follows baseball.
Follow the jump to read some examples I have prepared.
Very good writing. I am glad your posting that. I hope you can accept my apology for my less good English Skills, I am from France and English is sort of new to me. I will bookmark your blog and keep reading.